Tuesday, 9 May 2017

The Semen Test Farce


Some subjects are just ripe for comedy; the semen tests required after a vasectomy are a case in point.
I received two test forms from my GP a little while ago. Unfortunately, there were no further instructions; queue the first gag about what sort of instructions a man needs to have a wank! The forms specified a particular container, but not how to get one or where to submit it afterwards. So I called reception at the surgery and asked them; queue next gag about discussing wanking with a woman you don't even know!
Unfortunately, the receptionist was new and didn't know what to do (I'm sure there's another gag there somewhere). She suggested I discuss it with the phlebotomist when getting my bloods done the following week. What a bloody palaver (geddit?)! But at least I was getting somewhere, surely? So, I discussed with the phlebotomist, only she was new too; but she did tell me that semen tests usually need to submitted to the hospital lab within one hour of production. That's pretty useful to know.
I tell the phlebotomist I'm going to the hospital next week, so I could drop one off then. Sounds like a good idea, we concur. She tells me I can get the requested container from reception, unfortunately no further information comes with it. The day before I go to the hospital I think it might be a good idea to find out where to take my sample, I’m presuming it's where the blood tests get done? Hmmm, I better check the hospital website!
Oh dear, it’s a good job I did check rather than just rock up with a tub of jizz. It seems you cannot simply turn up in working hours like with blood and urine tests, semen tests require an appointment, well an appointment to hand the container through the hatch in the window. And lo, there's more useful information, don't wank or have sex for three days before you produce the sample and make sure you keep it warm (but not too warm)!
One call to the appointments line later and it turns out the earliest possible appointment is five weeks away! How useful would it have been to be notified of all this stuff with the forms? As the hospital is a thirty minute drive from home, in completely the wrong direction for work, and they only do tests before 2pm Monday to Friday, it's all a bit of a ball ache (boom boom)! Of course, I could have timed the test to coincide with my latest Consultant appointment, well if the process had been properly explained from the start! Now I need to arrange additional time off work to sort out!
Semen tests are funny. Not!

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